Depths
I was alone in a vast sea, and I had looked over the side into the depths, and it was if a leviathan had passed close to the surface of the water.
She was always there. The whole time. That has to be understood first I think if we are going to be able to process this. You aren't under an obligation to process this with me you can just like read and such, I'll try to do the heavy lifting here. But, yeah. She was always there.
I saw her in the mirror this fall. I was putting up my hair. I had put on my eyeliner, and I had dressed. Something in the way the arms reached up. Something in how the eyes met mine. That is a woman and that is you. I was alone in a vast sea, and I had looked over the side into the depths, and it was if a leviathan had passed close to the surface of the water. Its eye breached the surface and looked at me, and me at it, and to see it mirror my movements. Were we the same? Which side of the mirror was the truth? To feel the simultaneous realization that she had always been there and also that I had seen her for maybe the first time I think shorted out my circuits.
I was unmoored for a bit, because as has been previously written about here, I was pretty sure that I was not a woman. Well I was wrong, and I was also probably the last to figure this out. I'm sure plenty of my friends did not find this surprising and could see it coming based on the changes that had already taken place. A very logical deduction to make if they had made it! It is why I had to do so much explaining about not being trans! So it goes, and here I am.
I am taking the name Robin. I will be adding it to my name instead of removing my current legal name of Corey, which will move to the middle along with my current middle name Christopher. They aren't dead names, because right now it doesn't feel right to act like Corey is dead? Because Corey is me, as much as Robin is and always has been.
The lights on the control board began to flash and flicker, so to speak, when I first arrived here in New York City. (EDIT NOTE: Did I mention that part? The moving here part? Cripes ok sorry. Yes I moved here at the beginning of the school year because I was able to find an actual social studies position in a Bronx high school, something I have been looking for over the course of 15 years, roughly. It is a nice city. Public transit that can take you anywhere practically! Cool place check it out if you can.) The weather was still nice and I was already doing my self up in feminine ways in terms of dress, hair, and make up. What was new was my gait. I noticed that I was walking differently. I was able to analyze it while it was happening but I had not made the connection to what was breeching. Because I didn't know anything was breeching of course. So many of the decisions I was making came down to "this feels right to do," and my analysis didn't peer deeper than that. Maybe I was too busy. More likely, I think I was just riding high on the subtle buzz of feeling right for maybe the first time in my life. I would have time to analyze all of it later. And here we are - we have arrived at later.
Anyway. I go to the doctor today. Wish me luck.