He/Dad
Yeah ok so. This is going to be a work in progress.
The thing about deciding to wear heels, skirts, and makeup to work is that the fear has already been overcome as I walked into the building. I was able to do it because I was simply tired of being afraid and boy had I been afraid before. It had pretty much ruined me to the point where I could no longer function as a teacher, not to mention the placement I was in was already deeply unsafe for kids and adults alike.
You go through a break like that, and you just get tired of being broke on the other end of it I guess. Or you accept it. I'm not really sure what stage I am in it. I can talk about the differences in what my life looked and sounded like at work and at home. I was surrounded by some really tough circumstances with people who couldn't control their anger and rage, their bodies or minds, all while being surrounded by an environment that as nearly perfect to exacerbate those problems. Leaving that environment, I was then surrounded by words of patience and safety, kindness and love. It's remarkable what kind of healing you can get in when you are near those kinds of things! Its the kind of environment that allowed me to return to my career, albeit at a different location, an in a much different form.
So I know that I am queer, but pinning myself down further than that gets difficult because of disqualifiers in each category.
I am a man. I'm pretty certain of that. I do not feel the need or want to transition into a different form of my physical body.
I no longer wish to present in what we would consider in our time and place as masculine. It just feels right to wear non-genderconforming clothing. I feel pretty good in heels and skirt. I like to wear my own hair long. I don't think this makes me a cross dresser, because I do not wish to pass as female.
This is not an act or a persona, this is me. I do not believe that this could be considered drag then.
I'm way too old to be a femboy like listen no, although I deeply respect the game. I also don't think I enjoy anime enough to qualify.
The thing that I am the most sure about is that I am a father. I mean, the kids are like RIGHT THERE everyone can see them. I have the paperwork and the child support payments to prove it! I also have their affection, love, and support, and they will unquestionably have mine for as long as I am alive.
I identify with the role of father the most in my life. More than teacher, friend, partner, bisexual, genderwhatever. I'm a dad. I radiate dad energy. I tell my children that they have to rest up when they have big days coming up. I ensure that their homework is done. I introduce them to the concept of doing chores and taking care of things. I'm with them when no actually we do not draw on the tree in the yard in ink and we are supposed to be taking care of trees and nurturing them thank you very much. I'm being dad when my bookshelves are stocked with an absurd amount of history books. I am on my father shit when I walk my kids through why we need to practice good hygiene if we want others to hang out with us. I am being a dad when I request that my kids "do not speak internet to me." I am expanding the concept of fatherhood when I sigh loudly that my kids are aware of who Mr. Beast is and that they too are trying to inform me about him. I am being a dad when I am explaining the finer points of a Columbo episode to my kids. I watch episodes of Columbo with my kids. Any analysis of who I am and who I wish to be begins and ends there.
So my pronouns are He/Him/(maybe they?), but most certainly /Dad